Turkish toilets

So I wasn't going to write about this, but I figure I should for posterity (pun intended)

I think we've all seen so-called “European” toilets, for those that haven't, here is a picture.

The concept is basically one step up from crapping in the woods. You place your feet on either side, and poop in the middle.

Ok – so I was discussiong with a local how I was surprised to see one in the customers gas control center. He said that many Turkish people prefer them because they are cleaner. Cleaner. This is a point I want to emphasis. He thinks they are cleaner.

Now from a “bum touching a surface that another bum has touched” I agree with him. When it comes to actual fecal disposal though, I'm not convinced.

So, first of all, there is the fact that after you've pooped, and before you flush, the poop is sitting below you, out in the open air. That smells kinda bad. So I thought perhaps I could aim it at the little trap door drain that is at one end. Turns out, I'm not very good at aiming number 2.

There I was, squating down, battling with the smell, wiping my ass, when I glanced down and realised I had missed the “toilet” completely.

I had just shat on the floor.

Fuck. Now what am I supposed to do?

Still squatting, I finish wiping, and almost loose my balance! I almost fall backwards, onto a pile of my own crap. A desperate lunge to the side, bracing against the wall prevented my ultimate embarasment. What would I have done then? “Sorry Mr. Customer, I have to leave early.” “Why is that Jake?” “Well, I've just sat in a pile of my own crap”.

Frantically looking around revealed that there was nothing with which to “hoosh” the offending pile into the proper place. So, I eventually wadded up some toilet paper, and “hooshed” my pile into the “toilet”.

But it's not over yet though, is it. No, turns out “hoosh” is the wrong verb altogether. “Smear” is more like it. So now I've got a smear to get rid of. Turns out that every one of these “toilets” I've used seems to have a tap and water container close by. To clean up smears I guess. So with copious amounts of water, and a toilet brush, I clean up after myself.

And these are supposed to be cleaner?

Yeah – I dont think so.

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